Prayers Requested - Spiritual Attack

Folks, 
  I've been coming to the CMR for over 18 years. I consider this my online family. I respect you all so much for your insight and wisdom. I need prayer .  

I'm prone to anxiety and depression. 

My issue is that I lose confidence in all my thoughts and beliefs: as a father, husband, worker, etc... The one time I had anxiety and depression acutely a few years ago I couldn't do math, lost vocab, lost interest in everything.  It was bad. 

This time isn't nearly as severe... 

But the terrifying kicker is: my faith. I can't think straight.  I can't "connect the dots" so-to-speak about Who and what I believe in. I feel like a fake Christian; Spiritual Imposter Syndrome.

I've been a believer for 36 years. I know who I am, but when this happens I start having what might be considered a form of scrupulosity.  I worry about how many people are going to hell. I struggle with the very concept of hell. It always comes to this topic and that causes a spiral. I'm scared of never getting better.

The thing is, after the acute one a few years ago (my first attack that I know of) I kept praying to "come all the way back, and then some." And eventually - to my amazement  - I did. The last three years were perhaps my strongest in the Faith. 

Then: on February 5th I woke up late at night in the living room to witness my 20yo having a seizure. We've had all the tests and she's fine as far as we know,  but for 20 seconds, before I figured out she was seizing, I thought she was choking or otherwise dying right in front of me and my wife. That incident apparently kicked off a minor form of trauma that set this new round of anxiety and depression off. Knowing my daughter is fine hasn't alleviated the depression as apparently the damage was done during the witnessing phase. *Irony!! I'm a 24-year Firefighter and have witnessed hundred(s) of seizures.

There's shame, too. I know many of you also have great or even The Best wives, but I truly have the best wife. She's so, so strong in the Faith. I'm ashamed to be weak. I finally broke down crying last night while she held my hand. I hate it. 

So! Thank you for reading this far. Thank you for your prayers!

Thank you for sharing that. 

I can relate all too well to the whole depression/anxiety thing.

I can also relate to what you're going through spiritually. 

You and your family are in my prayers for sure, brother!

I can relate, as well. I’ve battled anxiety since college. It’s very easy to spiral. My wife helps me so much in these struggles.

I heard a saying years ago that has helped me: “never forget in the darkness what you learned in the light.”

I will pray for you.

I'll be praying for you my friend.

Will be praying, you seem to have a lot of deep problems going on... I mean this in the least insensitive way possible, but you should write music... not only could you explore deep themes based on your experiences, but it can also help you process it yourself, as writing songs based on my experiences has done for me many times.

Hey Scott, I’m just reading this now. I’m sorry for what you are going through. I have some family members that battle depression and anxiety. My brother and his daughters suffer from seizures and have to take medication. It’s a tough thing to watch and go through. I commend you for being a firefighter. That is a very tough job putting your life on the line for other people. You ought to be very proud of what you do brother. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God loves you and is close to you. Don’t ever forget it. Read Psalm 91 and know that God is with you and will protect you.

Thank you everyone!

I hate it, especially the scrupulosity that comes along for the ride. It's terrifying.

Yep...that's sad...real sad actually. I am truly Sorry to hear this.

Glad you mentioned the scrupulosity, Scott.  I suffer from it too.  Lots of unfortunate moments in my life spent wondering about my own walk/knowledge of the Lord/etc.  Sometimes the path is so murky, but His light always breaks through.   

BaleMaster wrote:Glad you mentioned the scrupulosity, Scott.  I suffer from it too.  Lots of unfortunate moments in my life spent wondering about my own walk/knowledge of the Lord/etc.  Sometimes the path is so murky, but His light always breaks through.   

It’s been a struggle for me off and on, as well.

Ahhh!! The brain!

Have you guys spent time on the website with Jamie from Scrupulosity.com, I think?

It's such a weird and specific issue I can't imagine a counselor helping unless they were both very strong in the Word and good therapists.

The biggest takeaway: these aren't my thoughts, they aren't who I am. Resist the urge to fight, prove or seek assurance but rather ride out the anxiety and/or thoughts and you habituate. Eventually you starve your brain of what it's after.

Yes, you have to learn to distinguish between intrusive thoughts and active thoughts.

Let me just ask you this...

Do you REALLY believe there is a place called Hell where people are tortured and suffer for eternity, ETERNITY, without end, for no reason other than they didn't believe in a God or except the son he sent to die on a cross and also was tortured for our sin that he created in the first place then send said people to be eternally tormented in a place he created also, for them...

Does any of that make one bit of sense...

Faith is a clever word to stop you from thinking.... Just have "Faith" (always the answer).

Answer the question if you wish, but if you think, like I have no doubt some will be, that this is the devil working through a subject, then I understand that too. That's how it's meant to work. I won't reply and I'll leave it at that. I am just interested to know if you really believe in Hell as explained above.

Dustofyears wrote:Let me just ask you this...

Do you REALLY believe there is a place called Hell where people are tortured and suffer for eternity, ETERNITY, without end, for no reason other than they didn't believe in a God or except the son he sent to die on a cross and also was tortured for our sin that he created in the first place ten send said people to be eternally tormented in a place he made fro them...

Does any of that make one bit of sense...

Faith is a clever word to stop you from thinking.... Just have "Faith" (always the answer).

Answer the question if you wish, but if you think, like I have no doubt some will be, that this is the devil working through a subject, then I understand that too. That's how it's meant to work. I won't reply and I'll leave it at that. I am just interested to know if you really believe in Hell as explained above.

Why would anyone bother to answer your “question” when you go ahead and state “faith is a clever word to stop you from thinking”?

You liked your own post lolz.

I said if he wishes to.

I'm going to like my own posts from now on. Good idea.

That was actually an accident. Stupid small phone and big hands.

I'm still going to like my own posts...no one else will...  

Except/accept... Will I ever learn to slow down and type proppery!

Dustofyears wrote:Let me just ask you this...

Do you REALLY believe there is a place called Hell where people are tortured and suffer for eternity, ETERNITY, without end, for no reason other than they didn't believe in a God or except the son he sent to die on a cross and also was tortured for our sin that he created in the first place then send said people to be eternally tormented in a place he created also, for them...

Does any of that make one bit of sense...

Faith is a clever word to stop you from thinking.... Just have "Faith" (always the answer).

Answer the question if you wish, but if you think, like I have no doubt some will be, that this is the devil working through a subject, then I understand that too. That's how it's meant to work. I won't reply and I'll leave it at that. I am just interested to know if you really believe in Hell as explained above.

I think we’ve been over this before, God did not create sin. He created beings with free will, who then chose to sin of their own volition. Hell exists ultimately because we choose to sin. I understand it sounds harsh to us humans (especially because we are the ones who can be on the receiving end), but it is not inconsistent with God’s absolute justice to punish those who rebel against their creator. As for why He chose to allow His son to take the punishment in the place of those who trust in Him, that doesn’t fully make sense to me either. He didn’t have to do that, He would have been fully justified in just wiping out humanity altogether. But He did choose to have mercy in that way, for which I am eternally grateful

I don't wish to derail the thread. I just wanted to hear Scott's answer answer, Should he choose to answer it. I ask because I felt that same shame and guilt (or gaslighting to use a more modern term) and depression when I was a Christian. I am free of it now and much happier. However if you'd like to go further into that and have a civil debate about that I'm all for it, on another thread.

Dust, I will say it seems kind of weird, if Christianity was making you depressed, that you turned towards the most depressive belief system out there imo...

You're a thorn everywhere, aren't you? I don't know why the mods let you back. I, for one, will not respond to you past this post.

StevenCressler wrote:Dust, I will say it seems kind of weird, if Christianity was making you depressed, that you turned towards the most depressive belief system out there imo...

I'm not sure what belief that is but I don't wish to derail thread.

scottmitchell74 wrote:You're a thorn everywhere,  aren't you? I don't know why the mods let you back. I, for one, will not respond to you past this post.

Ok that's sad you think of me that way. No worries. Cheers.

scottmitchell74 wrote:You're a thorn everywhere,  aren't you? I don't know why the mods let you back. I, for one, will not respond to you past this post.

Idk, his intentions didn't seem bad when he said that... I think he was trying to get you to think because he views our beliefs as harmful. It's wrong of course, the stuff he said was misguided, but I don't think he was trying to be a thorn.

Btw, Scott, how are things going now? They gotten any better?

StevenCressler wrote:Btw, Scott, how are things going now? They gotten any better?

Getting better, slowly but surely.  Thank you! It still feels wrong, somehow, to enjoy things, but that's the lie of depression. Getting vitamin D at an Abilene Christian University softball game right now.