Leaving/Choosing Your Church

Hello my wise friends (and foes... ) of the Christian Metal Realm.  My wife and I are in a sorta tough spot with regards to a big decision.  I've been going to the same church for the past six years - ever since I graduated college and moved back to my hometown.  It has been crucial and central in my development as a Christian, my understanding of God and who He is, my worldview, etc.  I feel like I've really grown there.  I have made so many awesome friends there too - many of whom I believe are the kind of friends I'll have for my lifetime - all that to say, my church has "community" in spades (in the social part, at least).  I've been able to serve in numerous ways including leading multiple weekly Bible studies, going on mission trips locally and abroad, writing the weekly small-group discussion guides, and a ton of other ways too.  Theology/doctrine-wise, they're solid (IMO, of course).
 
HOWEVER... in the more recent months and years, I've become less and less content with the depth of their teaching.  We have many guest speakers and staff speak so it's not like there's one pastor who speaks every Sunday.  Anyways, so often, well over half of the spoken sermon is "fluff" - it's some story about their childhood or family or whatever... which is then used to illustrate some biblical theme.  And oftentimes the theme they're preaching is pretty surfacy itself, despite the fact that I know the leadership has a passion for deep theology.  Additionally, the songs they choose are often more about one's own feelings than what I would consider "worship" or "praise" to our Lord, Savior, and Creator.  I believe this all has greatly affected the congregation, as the mid-week Bible studies are often just social gatherings.  I was leading one group through the young adults ministry and attending another for the ~30s age group and just prior to my three-month trip to Europe, people from BOTH my groups innocently joked about "with you gone Kerrick, who's going to keep us talking about the Bible?" Even though there were joking, it speaks to the general culture at my church...  Another example is writing the mid-week study guides for the small groups.  There was a team of us taking turns writing them (based off of the previous Sunday's teaching) and the vast majority of the questions would be something along the lines of, "when has Jesus invited you to step out of the boat and walk on water in your own life?" or "have you ever felt you were at sea for 40 days and 40 nights?" or "share a time when ___________."  As a small group leader, when it had been someone else's turn to write the discussion guides and it'd be something like that, I would just completely discard it because I see very little value in questions like that within the context of a Bible study group.

For me, it's been something that has been bothering me for a while, but for my wife it is absolutely excruciating.  She's used to a more traditional church with expositional preaching which I think is really great.  I actually just wrote my pastor about our decision to start looking for other churches.  He wrote me a fantastic email back to which I'm unsure how to respond.  Already I think I came off as being a bit accusatory which I really don't want to do...

Anyways, as I said, we're considering looking at other churches and last week went to a different church that is much more in line with what we want.  However, if my current church is not heretical in any way, should we leave?  How "consumerish" should attending church be?  Should we seek to help change our church into something better/different or should we just let it be and keep attending or should we bail ship or...?  We're not going to find a "perfect" church but where do you draw the line?  One of our concerns is that we might lose our "saltiness" were we to continue attending - or the extension would be once we have children and they grow up in the church...  I have MANY questions and there are more details to all of it, but that's the gist.  Your wisdom, encouragement, and input is much appreciated.  Thank you!

This probably won't help, but since we are friends, I'll answer.

After I stepped down from Pastoring in 2011, I've not been able to find a church that meets our needs. So we have not gone to church in 5 years.

We did try two local churches for a few weeks each but found them lacking in multiple ways. Every church I've found is liberal, every single one.

I lead Bible study at our house and we have nearly daily spiritual discussions. My children all have a great environment where they learn about God and His Word and His worldwide church, the Body of Christ.

We just recently left our church that we attended for twelve years. It is not an easy (or to be taken lightly) decision.

Background: Over my 25 years of being saved, I have attended seven churches. In the beginning I left a few of them because of either because of errant teaching or moral failures, so it was a pretty (but painful) decision. On a side note, I've had two different churches preach messages against my wife and I when we made that decision. :/

Current: The last one was the toughest. After one week of attending the church, my wife had sepsis from the cesarean for my son. She went into the hospital with a 20% chance to live and spent over a month in there. She had to learn to do everything over again. The first day I was sitting in the ICU waiting room, our new pastor showed up there to see how they could help out. We barley knew him. It touched me deeply. After that the church got behind us. I could write a long thing about what they did for us, but don't have the time. The church is a Calvary Chapel, and as you may know they have a heavy bent on teaching verse by verse. We loved it. But as the years went on, the church started shrinking. One by one families left, but no new ones filled the gap. We loved the sermons, but our kids were dying with no one to really plug in with. After some tough trials with our daughter, she asked if we could go to a church were some friends from school went. We checked it out for a month and everything seemed pretty good. I don't care for numbers or flash and all that crap. This church has some of that, but what has hit us the most, is that it has a lot of people that seemed to be really plugged into serving and God's word. The first week after we started going there, they had free sponsorships to their summer camp, and gave one to our daughter. While there she gave her life to the Lord. So that was a big sign for us. I've also seen a change in my life as well. I didn't realize that I was getting so lazy at the old church. The teachings were good, but not very challenging. We've also started connecting with more people at this new church than we did at the old one.

It's a hard decision, and obviously needs prayer. In the end, you are responsible for your faith and growth.

On a side note I read an article somewhere where it mentioned that one thing that really hurts pastors is when people leave without saying anything. It's good you wrote him.

I don't have experience changing churches myself, but here's this.  So, I still go to the same church I was saved in two years ago.  It's called Antioch Community Church, it's pretty legit.  It's non-denominational with a baptist bent, they have plants all over including California where I'll be going for a missionary conference in January(woot!).  So, anyways, this is a church that sort of challenges you to grow.  It's a heavy charismatic stuff and was part of a revival that's taking place at ASU(Cru was there, but sort of fell apart and a ton of groups came from it and growth has been pretty good for a university).

I love the preaching.  God called me to drop out of college to attend a discipleship school here.  One of my friends encouraged me...After he left the church.  I don't feel that every church is exactly the same for everyone.  A lot of people who attend mine say what hooked them was the presence of God was easily felt, but the pastor has sort of started saying a lot of upbeat things, but he doesn't talk about the dangers of sin as much and some people have left because of that, like my friend above.  Others have left because they felt God calling them elsewhere, because they felt stagnant, or other various reasons.

If you're being called elsewhere, that's great!  God has more in store for you!  Before I landed at this church, I prayed to God to give  me a sign at every church I went to.  Went to a Lutheran and that did nothing, but went here and the atmosphere was different.  I cried my way home because I had found where he wanted me.  It was awesome.  So, I'd say, wait on Him to give you a sign either way and know what's ahead, He's with you.

Different churches have different focuses, so at the varying stages of your life your needs may change. As a baby Christian you may go to a church that feeds you milk, then you might move on to a church that focuses more on discipleship, and so on.

I don't think its a bad thing to change, especially for you with you getting married you need to find a church you can both call your own and you both feel 100% comfortable with.

Kerrick wrote:For me, it's been something that has been bothering me for a while, but for my wife it is absolutely excruciating.  She's used to a more traditional church with expositional preaching which I think is really great.  I actually just wrote my pastor about our decision to start looking for other churches.  He wrote me a fantastic email back to which I'm unsure how to respond.  Already I think I came off as being a bit accusatory which I really don't want to do...

Anyways, as I said, we're considering looking at other churches and last week went to a different church that is much more in line with what we want.  However, if my current church is not heretical in any way, should we leave?  How "consumerish" should attending church be?  Should we seek to help change our church into something better/different or should we just let it be and keep attending or should we bail ship or...?  We're not going to find a "perfect" church but where do you draw the line?  One of our concerns is that we might lose our "saltiness" were we to continue attending - or the extension would be once we have children and they grow up in the church...  I have MANY questions and there are more details to all of it, but that's the gist.  Your wisdom, encouragement, and input is much appreciated.  Thank you!

Topical preaching isn't a sin and expositional preaching isn't a mandate, but it is superior. It is good that you recognize this disparity. I encourage you to find a church that has expositional preaching.

You concern about withering is legitimate.

This whole thing is a very difficult one. There are no perfect congregations. There are problems everywhere. Take your time and search. Be very careful when you do leave. You've already written your pastor which is the right thing to do. Life is about relationships and much more so is our church relationship. Make sure to express your love as you depart.

The first thing I'd suggest is that it's probably not right or wrong either way to stay or leave, but there are absolutely right and wrong ways to do either.  How you do whatever you do is at least as important as whatever you decide to do.  If the leadership is going in one direction and you stay to fight against them, assuming that they're not flat-out sinful or heretical, that's not cool.  If you stay, be a part of what they're doing and not a force for division or dissension.  If you can't do that, leaving isn't wrong, but most people do it wrong.  You're good with words and have a great spirit so I think you would do it well, but a note that says "thank you for the ministry over the years, I've grown and benefited a lot from the church and ministry, but feel like it's no longer a fit for my wife, love and prayers, the dude in the Maiden shirt" it's still a kick to the groin of the pastor but he'll respect you more than everybody else who's left over however many years.  Don't feel it necessary to give any details of why -- it won't come of as "reasons," they will just be like repeated personal barbs (even when that's not what's intended).

Wow, thank you all.  There is some really great insight here.  I will share this all with my wife and I hope to continue the discussion with my pastor in the most loving and humble way possible.

Btw. If you guys are up for the commute, you can visit my congrgation. We have our services on Sunday evenings.

Here's last week's sermon to give you an idea. 

New Creation wrote:This probably won't help, but since we are friends, I'll answer.

After I stepped down from Pastoring in 2011, I've not been able to find a church that meets our needs. So we have not gone to church in 5 years.

We did try two local churches for a few weeks each but found them lacking in multiple ways. Every church I've found is liberal, every single one.

I lead Bible study at our house and we have nearly daily spiritual discussions. My children all have a great environment where they learn about God and His Word and His worldwide church, the Body of Christ.

I've never been a pastor, but your situation is a lot like mine. ...except it's been more like 10 years since I've been to church. Some of it is I'm not a big fan of the "corporate churchianity" model. ...the bigger part is that I get more out of a message if I'm in a setting to interact, rather than being a bump in a pew that may listen or not.

My gatherings aren't in my home though. About 10 of us meet at the local chamber of commerce Thursday nights to get a good dose of spirituality.

I did 12 years work for a church. I served as a youth councillor. I organized youth groups, helped troubled youth to find their path, both spiritually and as a human beings.

I was many times unsatisfied with my church. When it didn´t meet my needs. When it was too "in spirit", when it wasnt´t "enough in spirit" etc.

Churches are not perfect. They cannot be, they are led by human beings (though how godly they claim they are).

I think being in a church is like a marriage. There is time, you are very happy with your wife and full of love. Then sometimes you just want to get as far as you can from her.

In the end in marriage the most important thing is commitment, through good and bad.

I´m not actually saying: don´t change. I´m saying, that you have to think, that when you change to "something better", what will end up being worse than in your old church. Sometimes forgiving little humanities can actually give your more satisfying spiritual walk in the long run.

Finally, you are totally free to do what your heart says. Of course.

Best way to find a church? Networking:

Best case scenario is find a believer you trust with similar Biblical stances and like to fellowship with and check out his/her church.