Please pray for me...

Still will be praying for you Thomas....

The only thing that brings me hope and comfort in my trials is the Word of God. It is there ( and prayer of course ) that the Spirit brings life, hope and perseverance to my soul.

...if its been awhile ( or if you never have ) see what the Book of Job can speak to your heart and mind.

Slight change of plans for my catheter. Its getting pulled tomorrow.
If I STILL can't pee on my own, I got to go in to my urologist and get another one. If I still can't pee after a week, they've got to run a scope up there to see what the problem is. (I really don't want a scope up my pee hole.)

Please pray that I can pee tomorrow! PLEASE!!!

Too much bad news at this time  praying

Praying for you brother

I still have to strain too much to pee and it's taking a toll. Went to ER and got another catheter placed. I really wish I didn't have to get these - they really hurt when they're put in.

How much does it hurt? My voice feels a little sore after doing back to back black metal vocal tracks for an hour or so. My voice is completely THROWN and RAW from screaming the 3 minutes it takes to put a catheter in. ...and that's with Urojet. (Lidocaine in the peehole before they shove in a hose the width of a number 2 pencil)

We imagine, hoping all is going to be better...

I can't even imagine what you are going through but I have not cease praying for your totally recovery my friend.

In my oncology appointment today, they voiced that they would prefer to start my IV Chemotherapy in one month. While it's my decision, I'm leaning toward having the reversal surgery completed first. (Because of all the problems I've had with my ostomy. I don't want to put up with 6 more months of problems during chemo.)

Three major concerns:
If there is an undetected/microscopic amount of cancer in my body, it will grow until I start chemo.
They'll do a barium enema before the surgery to make sure there's no leak. If there is a leak, that could mean ANOTHER surgery to repair it, or I could have an ostomy for the rest of my life anyway.
One side effect of the chemo is PERMANENT nerve damage in my hands, which could mean good bye to me being a drummer.

Prayers please. My anxiety is high because of this.

Will pray

Praying brother

I have been praying for you and will continue to!

I got to thinking of a question last night.

They want me to do 6 months of chemo because there *maybe* undetectable microscopic cancer cells. ...but *maybe* also means there may not even be cancer there and it is really gone.

Why put myself through 6 more months of crap for something that may not even be there?

What would be the alternative?  What happens if you go for regular checkups and at some point something "detectable" is there?  Would that put you in a much worse/riskier place than if you had just nuked 'em all from the get-go?

Kerrick wrote:What would be the alternative?  What happens if you go for regular checkups and at some point something "detectable" is there?  Would that put you in a much worse/riskier place than if you had just nuked 'em all from the get-go?

+1

I called my case manager for Health Alliance (that's my insurance) and I figured they wouldn't want to pay for something that's potentially unnecessary, but they're all for me getting the IV chemo. I used the analogy that a 6 month intense procedure for something that's not even there is like trying to hang up a picture on a wall with a sledgehammer.
She described it that the surgery was the direct spray to kill wasps, but I need a wide spray (chemo) around the empty nests to make sure they don't come back.

I can see the importance of it now, but I still think 6 months is too much spray. I know my wife will back me up on this too. I might try to negotiate 90 days or 4 months instead of half a year.
__________________________

Got my wound vac on this morning. My wife mentioned it to my surgeon the last appointment I had and he was all for it.

I'm glad it will heal this wound faster, but it's weird. I've got to lug around this machine that does this goofy abstract beeping.

Hope for you Thomas, keep us informed :/

Dye to check where my colon was reattached is scheduled June 1st. Surgery to reverse the ileostomy is scheduled June 15th.

Good thing too. Going through a month's supply of bags in 3 days because they don't stick is too much to keep doing. I don't have skin around my stoma anymore. It's just meat and it's excruciatingly painful.

Still praying for you brother

Another void trial aka "Can Tom actually pee this time" on Tuesday. NOT looking forward to it.
I suspect that something got rearranged to the point of causing permanent damage during my surgery, and that's why I haven't been able to urinate myself without extreme straining. ....that being said, I can expect another Foley catheter that day, and then a dick scope after that.

I'd rather get mugged at knife point.

Been having regular bowel movements since Saturday. That's right. All of a sudden, after over a month of pooping in a bag, I have to go poop like a regular person as well.
Makes no effin' sense.

I'm sure most of you have noticed that the things I post regarding my conditions, my attitude about it is 99.93785% negative... well, things came to a head last night, for my wife. About 8pm, I had my 3rd ostomy bag of the day start leaking. The 4th and 5th bags started leaking before my wound dressing could be completed. So, they lasted like 3 minutes each and it takes an hour plus to setup and get one on.
Here I am, 11:30pm at night, after filling trash cans with failed attempts, after bathing in my own sewage, just standing in a shower with no bag no nothing, neither of us knowing what to do.

She's mad at herself (because she can't fix it) and she's mad at God (because he's allowing me to suffer, I guess).

Made me really think of my own breaking point, you know? I've thought of killing myself way more since late April than I ever did in the depths of my alcoholism, over 10 years ago. I swear having extremely intense pain every. single. day., day. after. day., it. never. stops. is going to eventually give me PTSD.

Just because I'll always love God doesn't mean that I won't always resent him for all of this. I'm definitely balancing on the fringes of "Who cares if I'm cancer free. Who cares if piles of people are behind me and praying for me if I'm SUFFERING - EVERY DAY - MORE than anyone else I know, and it never stops!"

"Well, the pain from the bags will stop after the surgery" - yeah, but all new pain will come in.

I know this wreaks of being entitled, but God is totally coming across like a "can but won't" kind of guy right now. I'm not Job - I will BREAK. I can't keep doing this!!!! I feel like I'm totally drowning here, and God, holding a life preserver says "I'll allow it. He's strong enough.". NO I'M NOT.

Man, if I did that to someone, I'd be a total dick.

That sounds horrible Thomas.  I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but this is what came to my mind after reading the portion of "why is God allowing this", so I thought I'd share.  I don't know if the same thing happens to you very much or not, but there are many times I'll be talking to someone (my wife as an example), and I think I'm communicating something clearly, but it is not clearly being communicated at all.  Or if she says something to me, I hear it in a completely different way.  This is a very common occurrence.  We are people that know each other well (I would know her better than any other person on earth), and we are communicating face to face - and yet there is still so much miscommunication and misunderstanding of what each of us says.

If that level of  misunderstanding can happen in that scenario with talking face to face to a person you know the best in the world, imagine what could happen with God.  Not only does He not speak to us face to face, but there is also the devil who is trying to constantly twist things and get us thinking lies too.  With my wife, there would be times as a hypothetical example, I could say "I thought you were going to get milk at the store" and be upset because she didn't.  But if I knew the story of why she wasn't able to get it (let's say the store was out of milk), I would understand the reason so much clearer.   Many times someone will come and bring an accusation to a person, and in our mind we would think "wait a minute - that is not true.  I tried my hardest to get the milk but they just don't know the story of why I couldn't get it and are only looking at the fact I didn't get it".  Commonly this happens between two humans.

In terms of with God, we as humans are on a completely different level.  It is sometimes very difficult to know why things happen.  Obviously we live in a world of sin, disease, death, and horrible things, and while God could just set us free of it all if He wanted to, ultimately we still have to deal with it.  We don't understand it sometimes, and honestly I think it's somewhat like the miscommunication analogy between a spouse - but on a completely different level since we can't just hear God speak to us like a human does.

God is with you, and he does care.  We don't know the details of what is happening in the spiritual realm behind all this, so sometimes it can seem like God is not helping, but He is a good God who has your best interests at heart.  My prayer is that God will comfort you and reveal his love and wisdom to you during this time.

ThomasEversole wrote:Another void trial....

I appreciate your candor. Most people wouldn't admit when they are weak. I'll pray for your heart.

Devon Hill wrote:That sounds horrible Thomas.  I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but ...

Good words.

Nice post Devon. I firmly believe that nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

When I got divorced from my first wife, at the time, I didn't know why that happened. I now know it's so I can be a better husband to my current wife.
When I was job hunting for something better last year, I didn't understand why I got shot down multiple times. I now know that's because a new job wouldn't put up with all the cancer crap I'm going through. My current job is letting me take all the time I need and even held a fundraiser for me.

I don't know why I'm unlucky enough to get a cancer found in 70 year old men. I'm sure I'll know the reason why one day, but as for now and not knowing - it feels like I'm being kicked while I'm down.

My port gets surgically installed this afternoon. Please pray that the operation goes smoothly.

ThomasEversole wrote:Nice post Devon. I firmly believe that nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

When I got divorced from my first wife, at the time, I didn't know why that happened. I now know it's so I can be a better husband to my current wife.
When I was job hunting for something better last year, I didn't understand why I got shot down multiple times. I now know that's because a new job wouldn't put up with all the cancer crap I'm going through. My current job is letting me take all the time I need and even held a fundraiser for me.

I don't know why I'm unlucky enough to get a cancer found in 70 year old men. I'm sure I'll know the reason why one day, but as for now and not knowing - it feels like I'm being kicked while I'm down.

My port gets surgically installed this afternoon. Please pray that the operation goes smoothly.

Will do.

The surgery went fine. Pain is moderate. Time to go home, relax and manage pain after eating something. Haven't eaten since last night per doctor orders.

Another surgery down, one more to go...

Get well soon brother, we are praying for you daily