Re: The really bad joke thread

[exo]

Have you heard the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[ThomasEversole]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[oldschooldoom]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
v
V
V
V



God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

[ThomasEversole]

LOL

Q: What's the worst part about owning cats?
A: Telling your parents you're gay.

I heard that joke after my first surgery. That laugh hurt so good.

[Andreas89]

Some catching up to do, I really love really bad jokes.

Anyway, yesterday I heard a good German joke.

Question: why does a Russian need to steal two cars to get from Germany to Russia?
Answer: because he has to get through Poland first.

(inside info: around here, the Polish are responsible for a lot of bike theft and car theft)

[Markus1987]

I heard this when I was a kid:

What's brown and flies in the skies? A rusted Superman

[messiaen77]

How did the hipster burn the inside of his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

[New Creation]

There's a very fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

[oldschooldoom]

"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

=========================================

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container
of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �


So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

[Andreas89]

Question: why do golf players always bring two pairs of pants to the game?
Answer: in case they get a hole in one.

[d@v!d]

[oldschooldoom]

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted
him.
"Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients
these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have
to have you put to sleep."

[oldschooldoom]

[oldschooldoom]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I
need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[oldschooldoom]

Chuck was the pastor of a very small, very old church in the middle of Nebraska. One Saturday he was doing some much needed maintenance on the church and decided to put a fresh coat of paint around the outside of the building. Chuck picked up some paint from the hardware store and began working his way around the chapel.
By mid-afternoon he had finished 3 sides of the building but was quickly running out of paint. The job almost finished, and wanting to avoid a second trip to the store, Chuck thinned the remaining paint with some turpentine and finished the last wall.
Immediately after applying the very last brush stroke, Chuck heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened up.
The downpour washed the paint off the walls and knocked Chuck off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of now worthless paint.
Incensed, Chuck shook his fist at the sky and screamed "Father! I spent my whole Saturday hard at work, in your service, painting your church! Why did you send this storm and ruin everything that I accomplished today?!"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice replied: “REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

[Kerrick]

Hahaha I like it.

What do you call a chameleon that can't change its color?

Spoiler:

[Guest]

Pastor, your sermon today reminded me of the love of God.

Never-ending and beyond comprehension.

[ThomasEversole]

Hahaha I like it.

What do you call a chameleon that can't change its color?

Spoiler:

LOVE IT!

"Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."

I love doing this joke when I'm with my wife grocery shopping.
Q: "Do you want your milk in a bag?"
A: "No, just leave it in the jug."

[messiaen77]

Why did the owl fall out of the tree?


It died.

[messiaen77]

A duck walked into a pharmacy and said "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

[Guest]

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals? Still no f'in eye deer.

[DarkFireDragoon]

 "Why can't the T-Rex clap his hands?"

...

    "...Because his arms are too short?"

...

  "No."

...

  "..."

...    "...Its because he's dead."

[oldschooldoom]

A REALLY GOOD JOKE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
And then she went back to reading her book.

[Guest]

That is a good joke.

[Hardcore Christian]

That was clever!

[Sponsored content]