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I'm Lost...

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Post by Peter who was Vaak Mon May 19, 2014 5:09 pm

I have been slacking in my Bible reading and started reading more and more though not enough and that will change...It has to. The problem arises, though, that as I read I feel the Bible speaking to me and as I do, I constantly feel it talking about me as a person. I have problems getting through chapter by chapter because the more I read, the more I feel I am reading a preview of my own demise. I have explicitly evil thoughts that I can't control and I feel I am losing to them. What really brought this on was a thread on another board. Truth be told, Paul's words in Roman's 1 reflects me almost to a "T"(Well, most not all) and I am beyond horrified. I wake up scared, I go to school scared, I listen to the message scared and I go to sleep scared. Fear rules my entire life. Every waking moment I have an everlasting fear that knows no bounds. My mind, heart and soul are all black as black can be.

And my sins? Of the lustful nature, though gluttony and others pervade, but this is the real bad one. I cuss, occasionally, though I am getting better with that. I used to look at porn, but that's largely been defeated. The real one, though, is just masturbation. I hate it! I hate it! But it's the one thing that really makes me feel good with a wild imagination. Every night I find myself begging for God to help me with it and the next morning, like clockwork, I see myself succumbing to it giving one excuse or another.  Throughout the day they constantly invade, though I am able to hold out against masturbating sometimes, they and others constantly invade my thoughts.  Shame would generally keep me from admitting this, but never ending fear is forcing me to admit it. I'm desperately lonely and often don't feel a thing. I'm down at school and I have no idea what I'm doing. I went to see my parents for a few days last week and I cried my eyes out as I left because as I did, I realized I wouldn't see them again for a while, but also after one full year at school, I've made no real friends down here. I'm going through the motions of life, but feeling nothing and with all that, I know I have no relationship with God and a part of me thinks I'm lost for good when I read Romans 1 and know the evil thoughts running through my head. The only thing is I don't have pleasure in these actions. When I pray for the food I am about to eat, I find myself smiling and happy, but every other time...It's hard because I look back and see what a failure I am. 

Any prayers or advice would be much appreciated.
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Post by Guest Mon May 19, 2014 6:03 pm

God has already decided that you stand, RIGHT NOW, before Him, HOLY and BLAMELESS. (Ephesians 1:4)

This is not some future accomplishment that you can achieve as a Christian, this is who you ARE right now! You are holy and blameless before God.

Ask yourself this question...

Are you a sinner that does saintly things, or are you a saint that sins. One is an unrighteous man that tries to appear good and the other IS a righteous man that fails.

When Paul addressed the saints in Thessalonica, in Philippi, in Corinth, in Ephesus, he was addressing YOU and ME. He was was addressing saints that sin, not sinners who saint.

You are my brother in Christ. Love you man!

"...not having my (our) own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith." (Philippians 3:9)

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Post by Peter who was Vaak Mon May 19, 2014 9:28 pm

Thanks a lot.  This really helped.
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Post by Kerrick Mon May 19, 2014 9:38 pm

Praying for you dude.  Remember that God is ALWAYS right there with you and will NEVER turn His back on you.  You belong to Him!  No matter how guilty you feel.  I believe there are two types of "guilt": 1) a righteous conviction within you from the Holy Spirit that exists to steer you back towards God and 2) an evil, self-loathing, guilt that is of Satan and exists to pull you deeper down and away from God.  Oftentimes these can overlap when they're upon you.  You've addressed the symptom (said sinful actions) from which these feelings stem but have you addressed the origin?  Is this sin truly the origin of your conviction?  If so, then all this "guilt" is from God.  However, it'd seem to me, from an outside perspective, that perhaps you're experiencing more guilt, shame, and condemnation than would most likely be from God.  If so, where is it coming from?  And why does it plague you as it does?  I hope and pray that whatever is truly keeping you down in this murk will soon be lifted from you.

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Post by Peter who was Vaak Tue May 20, 2014 8:28 am

This shame and everything exists with the thoughts that run through my mind. They are truly evil. My mind runs away with them and I can't control them.  Though, I will say, I woke up this morning, after more crying and paying last night, and my desires to sin as such have somewhat lessened. They're still there, but to a lesser extent, or, should I say, to a more ignorable extent.
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Post by Guest Tue May 20, 2014 11:22 am

What you are going through, my friend, is quite normal and to be expected to some degree or another. The enemy will attack us where we are weakest, whether that be addictions, evil thoughts, or as I myself constantly battle, lustful desires. Paul indicated in Galatians (5:17) that "the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." (NIV).

Know that you are not alone in this fight, even when you feel like you might be. As I indicated, I have my own demons that I face, as Kerrick does, and Music_Me, and every other Brother and Sister, not only on this forum but throughout the world. Bands have sung songs about it (Petra - "Jeckyl and Hide", Bloodgood - "Battle of the Flesh", among others), and even the Apostle Paul fought this fight: "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing." (Ephesians 7:19, NIV).

We are praying for you and with you. Hang in there and keep praying yourself, and remember that as long as you keep your eyes on Jesus Christ you WILL not be defeated. It was only when Peter looked away and doubted that he started to sink (Matthew 14:22-33).  Whenever you feel as though you are going to succumb to your temptations, try to remove yourself from whatever situation you are in (if you are in the shower, get out; in bed, get up; alone, find a friend; whatever), but most of all pray and think on Christ.


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Post by Peter who was Vaak Tue May 20, 2014 12:35 pm

Thanks a lot.  That really did help a lot.
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Post by d@v!d Tue May 20, 2014 1:11 pm

I'm praying for you. You aren't alone in any of your experiences. I'd wager that just about all of us deal with these very same things as I sure do. Remember, it's ok to feel bad if it leads you to repentance. 2 Cor 7:10. About loneliness: pray and petition until God gives you someone. He will not give you a stone.
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Post by Guest Wed May 21, 2014 4:08 pm


Hope this video helps...

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Post by MegaNorm64 Wed May 21, 2014 5:54 pm

Praying for you bro. I'm feeling the same way.
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Wed May 21, 2014 6:17 pm

Thanks a lot for the posts.  They are really helping.  I am feeling a lot better.
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Post by Candlemass Wed May 21, 2014 7:46 pm

Dood, I've been enslaved to porn and masturbation for over 30 years w/little to no freedom from it. Like you, but perhaps a bit more severe, I too believed I was lost forever, to the point of nearly having a complete mental breakdown in early to mid-March. I sat in church one night begging the Lord to forgive me and not to leave me, I barely slept for over a week, didn't eat much either. Went to the doctors for the first time in over a decade and got on meds for anxiety/depression, and found a priest at my parish for spiritual direction and counseling for my issues, something I avoided in the past cause I didn't think I needed them. That and along w/praying the rosary regularly, praying throughout the day, like shotgun prayers; "Jesus please help me", Lord have mercy on this woman I want to lust after, help me to be a giver instead of always taking", and just looking for ways to show others mercy and cultivating a heart of gratitude. The fear has lifted, and I've been clean from porn and self abuse now for over two months, the longest period in over 30 years! I guess I just had to get desperate enough, still tempted, but no longer obsessed and under the compulsion to act out that way...
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Mon May 26, 2014 9:27 pm

Glad to hear you were able to move on man!  I'm reading my Bible more and taking more recognition of what I've done as wrong and able to hold out against it.  I, also, find myself reading the Bible more, but with it also taking notes for a change.  Not just reading through it, but as I read it trying to write down what is being conveyed to better understand it(Not going all out like Matthew Henry who I do hope to read, but ya know)...  I do have the sense of dread and doubt, but I am feeling a little better.
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Post by Noods Tue May 27, 2014 4:15 am

Praying mate.
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Post by XenonLion Fri May 30, 2014 4:21 pm

I'll be praying for you, too.
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Post by Sting Chameleon Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:29 pm

I'll be Praying as well.
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Mon Jun 02, 2014 9:12 pm

Thanks a lot.  This is helping a lot.

I did a fast on a whim, sort of, Saturday.  No food fast.  That is my first time ever.  I have recently been gluttonous.  Eating a lot.  So, this was a problem.  So, this took more willpower than I have ever had.  And somehow, despite all the vomiting, I made it through it.  I am still recovering.  My stomach is hurting.  I am still eating very little to recover.  But, I tell you, one prayer was already answered.  I was sort of "cheating" with masturbation, but literally that desire is nonexistent now.  About three days down without cheating.  I can definitely see myself doing more fasting now.  That being said, evil thoughts remain, but I feel they are on the way out.
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Mon Jun 02, 2014 9:43 pm

And, I want to add, while I am finding myself struggling with so many distractions, I do find myself also reading more and taking more notes.  I anticipate I will tomorrow.  I listened to more than a few podcasts from Ravi Zacharias.  I also started a few Bible study plans and they are helping a lot.  I anticipate I will keep going through it.  I will keep reading and taking notes.  I am doing better and just had deep, in-depth discussions with my parents tonight on the phone for the first time, really ever, about religion and it felt good.  My mom I sort of had, same with my dad, I guess, but it was never really much.  I was trying to push my dad to quit cussing and hating people.  My mom and I will be going to see Ravi Zacharias and Dennis Prager with mediator David Limbaugh Thursday night.  Tuesday night two people from RZIM will be a few miles away from me, BUT I HAVE WORK!  That stinks, but oh well.

And, I will say this, Saturday I went fasting and Sunday I was determined to go to church because an event happened that was a message from God telling me "Get serious now" a few days prior.  I was going to a church down the road, an Antioch church, I hadn't heard of that before(As far as church names, my mom recommended it from my brother who went there), and before I went, I asked God to give me a sign whether this was a church for me or not.  Despite the fact they seem to use the NIV, I read KJV, but will probably switch to ASV just for ease of understanding, I found myself crying all the way home, thanking God Almighty I had found my church.  I tried another church, a Lutheran one tonight, and on my way there I asked God again "If this is my church, please give me a sign."  And the sign couldn't have been more clear, that's not where he wanted me.  The message didn't have any of the emotional impact the last had.  I needed to hear what he had to say, it helped, but it just didn't connect.  And while I know there should be a fine line in letting emotion dictate, I'm not too concerned as I did research the church some and it did seem to come across as pretty straightforward use of the word.  The unfortunate part is, finding one that's not pro-gay marriage around a college takes some effort and, obviously, that's just one of the easier ways to tell whether a church preaches the true message or one of their own creation.


And I'll say, even at the Lutheran church, I saw a NIV Bible there too.
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:53 pm

Over the past couple of days, the dread has sort of been coming back.  It's been back and the temptation and loss of control has come back too.  The other day I tried to fast for two days because I was failing, but I was also planning on it because of school starting next week.  I made it through one and a half, I might have been able to make it longer, but I was quick to give in on the second day, trying to find an excuse to, but also I was having serious health problems which I sort of used as a reason to abandon it the second day through.

Today, I went back to the church for the second time, the one I know God wants me to go to because my availability worked out.  I know work the morning so I can get off to go to it(What was really cool was I told my manager about the change of availability, he specifically asked why I had shortened hours on Sunday and I said Church.  He made sure I worked those time so I could get there even though my availability didn't officially go through until this week or last, so I was scheduled during school).  I met two people on the way in and though they both had name tags on and introduced themselves, I couldn't remember the second one.  I sat through service and the singing was good, as was the message which was about loneliness and needing to change for God, but none of it was really hitting me.  The idea that I had lost my opportunity had sort of welled up and I was worried as I was just not feeling anything like last time.  Last time, I had the feeling of lifting my hands up during the praise songs, but didn't and sort of lost that feeling because, like a lot of others, that's not something I generally do with others around.  You know, easier in private than in public.  Then towards the end, the message all came together.  One thing that really hit home was when he said "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you!" and "Reap and sow to get the harvest."  These were all things that really were like "OK, that starts to explain a bit."  And towards the end, I found myself struggling not to cry.  Then the Pastor had the lights dimmed, called the prayer team up and then said something like if any of this is hitting you, please come up.  I saw people all across the front and right down the aisle where I was standing was the second guy I met.  I saw a few people go up and then I felt this horrible fear that this was an opportunity I couldn't miss as people kept walking by the one person I talked to(Keep in mind, I have severe anxiety problems likely, but I know me and, wouldn't you know, anxiety was talked about today too).  So, I walked up feeling it was a sign and then he said something like "Hey, James!  I remember your name!"  And I just let it all out to a complete stranger I had met an hour and a half prior.  I told him of my loneliness and my constant pushing Jesus away(I didn't elaborate as to how).  I have problems being this open with my own family.  I have revealed stuff to you all I haven't revealed to them.  I revealed tonight's happenings to my parents though.  They were excited.  Anyways, I felt good getting it off my chest.  I had someone there who was listening and there was a strange sense of comfort even in my weakest moment.  I couldn't stop crying and the prayer felt...Amazing.  And, as we prayed, the guy told me the vision he had of Jesus working on me, I did feel better.  I felt amazing for a moment.  For the first time in my life, really that I can remember in recent memory, all the worries of what others around me were thinking drifted away.  One of the prayer team members handed me some tissue, I wiped but was still feeling great as the tears continued to flow.  It felt...Good.  Great even.  I had never felt such relief from crying.  The lights went back on and I continued to cry some, but realized that needed to wrap up quickly.  It did and then he smiled and we hugged.  For once in a long time, the feeling on loneliness melted away and all my worries and concerns did too.  I haven't hugged a stranger like that before and it felt great.  It was so different.  I went to the bathroom to wash up and then left.

And the anxiety came back.  The anxiety remains.  I know it will, for a time, remain, but please pray for that.  It's the worst feeling.  And my struggles to stop continue, but I do feel this was something major.  Please pray that I continue to do better.  Thank you all.
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:23 pm

Today, I talked to a counselor and a Nurse Practitioner. The counselor recommended I get a medical evaluation and set me up with an appointment Wednesday to see a counselor, potentially, regularly. The NP diagnosed me as depressed and anxious and prescribed me with some generic zoloft. I will be doing a follow up appointment to this Thursday. Hopefully, this all works.
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Post by sentient 6 Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:37 pm

..been prayin' for you vaak...

here is a sermon from a pastor that I trust that might give you some encouragement in your struggles..

http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=21014914573
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Mon Jul 07, 2014 3:51 pm

Awesome.  Thanks a lot man.
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Post by Peter who was Vaak Tue Jul 29, 2014 10:08 pm

I figure I should update you all a bit, so...

1. I think it's been some 24 days or so since I last masturbated.  God ripped that desire right out of me.  It is dead and buried.  While I killed that vice, I have recognized other ones and need to start working on them better, gluttony and slothfulness.

2. I found a church and I love it!  When I tithe, I don't feel a compulsion to it, I feel a joy to it.  When we sing praises, I am singing and feeling a bit of emotion behind it.  At church last Sunday, I was sitting by myself and an guy who attends the same Bible study as me found me sitting by myself and invited me over.  I've been feeling a sort of emptiness in Church, yet that time, I did not.  It was gone.  I can't say I felt "full," but I most certainly did not feel empty.  As I was singing along with the praises, I was crying.  I loved it!  And when I told the guy who found me that it was good to see him, he said the same back and told me to never sit alone again.  He said I was always welcome with him.  

3. I started going to a Church group on Wednesdays, we call them "lifegroups."  We usually expand on the message of the previous Sunday's service, one person leads it, then we turn on a song and try to talk to God, ask him a question. and then break off into smaller groups to discuss what we had just gone through.  I was invited into a group with one of the group leaders and another, the guy who I talked to and cried to at Church that I had previously mentioned.  They asked me about the sins I had written down and what I was going to replace them with.  We talked, I closed my eyes, and I had seen one of my sins and it was crushed by Joy.  It was amazing.  The leader asked me if I wanted to repeat a prayer after him that would invite God into my life.  I did and it was great!  He ended up asking if I wanted to meet him outside of these settings and I said sure.  We set it up for a eight days later and we met.

4. We had met up and I thought it was going to be to hang out, wasn't sure.  Then he asked me about my story and I told him.  I told him all the details, the sin, the anger, but also the changes that are taking place within me, the empathy, the caring, the no longer being hateful, and he said it was obvious God was working on me.  We prayed and he told me that he wants to start meeting up with me weekly.  He explained, a person can learn to play baseball on their own, but if a pitcher comes along and helps them, they can learn so much better.  So, we are going to meet up, hopefully, weekly and he's going to help me grow in my faith.  It's awesome.

5. I pray more often, more seriously, and more contemplatively and when I do, it feels strange.  And far more often than not, the biggest smile I ever have overtakes me.  I can't control it, it just happens.  I love it!  Absolutely love it.  I do feel changes taking place and I thank you all for the prayers!  I am changing!  Praise the Lord!
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Post by Gandalf the White Wed Jul 30, 2014 6:47 am

That's at least 5 things I'm thanking God for right now, bro. Awesome news!
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Post by Blake Wed Jul 30, 2014 8:10 am

Will be praying, my only advice is to spend as much free time as you can putting Gods word into your life by reading the bible, etc. God's Word indicates that the flesh and the spirit constantly are battling each other. Whichever is stronger is likely to win, and the one that is malnourished will be weak.

With that said try to feed your spirit more than you feed your flesh. You feed your flesh by doing things that gratify the body, while your spirit is fed by the Word of God.

Rather than post a wall of text in this thread I will post a link to a message I wrote on this awhile back:

http://metalblessingradio.com/27.html

Hope it can prove helpful
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