those with early 20's sons

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those with early 20's sons Empty those with early 20's sons

Post by crucifyd on Wed Mar 27, 2019 10:10 am

anyone can chime in but I'm particularly interested in your take if you have a son in his early twenties.

my son, out of nowhere said he is looking to move in with one of his co-workers. my son professes Christ but it is very difficult to get in his head to really know what's going on in there. the co-worker does not profess.

I'm curious what your thoughts are on this situation and what you might say to your son in the same kind of situation. do you see no problem here? is this an absolutely not type of thing?

I realize there a million variables not the least of which is the personality of a given son, nonetheless what are yourthoughts? any input us appreciated...
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those with early 20's sons Empty Re: those with early 20's sons

Post by Bought4Life on Wed Mar 27, 2019 12:21 pm

crucifyd wrote:anyone can chime in but I'm particularly interested in your take if you have a son in his early twenties.

my son, out of nowhere said he is looking to move in with one of his co-workers. my son professes Christ but it is very difficult to get in his head to really know what's going on in there. the co-worker does not profess.

I'm curious what your thoughts are on this situation and what you might say to your son in the same kind of situation. do you see no problem here? is this an absolutely not type of thing?

I realize there a million variables not the least of which is the personality of a given son, nonetheless what are yourthoughts? any input us appreciated...

Is the co-worker male or female? It would be a red flag if it was a girl....as even if they started off being just friends, the chances of having something happen between them would be pretty significant.

If it's a male and you are just worried about him keeping his walk, then that is hard to answer without knowing the co-worker.

Even not being a Christian, the co-worker could be a great person who lives a clean life. If that is the case, I don't see the person impacting your son in a negative fashion.

On the other hand, if the co-worker has serious character flaws (like if they are a heavy drinker, or likes the club scene, or sleeps around a lot, or is extremely outspoken against religion), then yes, I would worry about some of those traits rubbing off on your son.


Anyhow, I think all you can do is keep open dialogue with your son and pray for him to use wise judgment.
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Post by deathisgain on Wed Mar 27, 2019 7:35 pm

Our daughter moved out to college when she was 20. Her plans fell through and she ended up moving into an apartment with a homosexual male friend that she knew from high school.We were of course none to happy. We warned her of the problems with moving in with someone that wasn't saved and in that state of mind. Of course to her, we were overbearing, to stricts parents. A year later and she is dying to get out of it, and has even said that is is leaving up to God to help her out.

A few observations of mine:

1. Kids that are raised in a Christian house (or for some here, a house that has Christian's in it Wink ) some times have to make a lot of mistakes before they come to an actual place of believing in Christ. Even if they repented and got baptized, while they are in your house, they are walking in the shadow of your faith.

2. The millennial generation has a looser set of morals. Even among the saved. It's the way they have been raised by the media, their peers, and the secular education system. They just don't get the need for morals, and in some way, the western church has been preaching for a long time that morals are not as important as forgiveness.

Over all, the greatest thing we can do is keep planting seeds, water, shine light and love them.
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those with early 20's sons Empty Re: those with early 20's sons

Post by Kerrick on Wed Mar 27, 2019 8:21 pm

At that age, you're not aware of just how susceptible you are to the influence of peers.  Looking back, it's really clear though in the moment you think you're a totally independent and free thinker hahaha.  B4L did a good job of summing up the scale of bad to worse, though ideally he'd be moving in with a solid Christian.  That's an exceptionally pivotal time of one's life and the more godly influence your son can get at that time, the better.

Do you have a pretty close and open/honest relationship with him?  As Robert mentioned, we're so bombarded with falsehoods that are in direct opposition to God's Word - and if we're not taught and aware of the Truth (and reminded of it constantly), we tend to compromise.  Robert's right too in that we need to sometimes learn these lessons on our own, but having a loving parent who their son can dialog with as he grapples with this stuff can be paramount.  I know that in my own life I've taken the liberal/anti-Christian "truths" for granted just because I hadn't had anyone tell me otherwise.  And then once I did hear God's Word properly preached upon with regard to those areas, it was as if a light switch had been turned on.  All that to say, he's an adult and will make his own decisions, but probably what he needs most in either situation is for his dad to always be there to help him walk through some of what he sees and experiences.  My two cents anyways.  Smile

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those with early 20's sons Empty Re: those with early 20's sons

Post by crucifyd on Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:57 am

Thanks for the responses, I basically agree with them all...


on Bought4Life's comments,
Yes co-worker is male...If that wasn't the case I would definitely say something about it. I don't see him going down that road anytime soon, though I have wondered, what if co-worker finds GF and wants her to move in? As far as male/female "just friends" I'm of the persuasion that it basically isn't possible for males/females to "just be friends", but that's another issue.

I would agree generally that a clean liver probably doesn't pose too much of a problem. The only reservation I have there is when I think of 1 Corinthians 15:33 (ESV):


Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

or as the NIV says


Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."

Basically, even if person "lives clean" if they are not regenerate, then they do not have a mind/heart towards God, which could have a corrosive effect on a believer.




on deathisgain's comments,
My wife and I have discussed this aspect and thought this could be where we really find out where he is with God. Is his Christianity genuine or is he still riding on our coattails?

For example he only goes to church on Sunday morning (he used to go to other things as well) and we would like to see him more involved. And, will living with this guy end up with Sunday morning taking a back seat to other things? My wife mentioned 4-Wheeling as an example, which he did last Sunday, as he recently bought a new truck.




on kerrick's comments,
Good on you for getting that so soon. You're a lot closer to your 20's than i am and I didn't have it down like you do when I was your age...

Like I said originally, my son is very hard to get anything out of other than talking about his latest phone or computer whatever...he can be a blabber mouth at times but it is usually nothing of substance. I don't mean that those things are unimportant or not valuable to talk to him about, just that he definitely does NOT wear his heart on his sleeve. He has actually stated flatly, in so many words, that he hides.

My wife and I have gone over his life trying to figure out if it was something we did/said, or the like in his younger years, to no avail. He was quite a talker up till he was 10ish maybe. Since then, getting him to talk at all let alone baring his soul is...nearly impossible.

He had quite a history of hiding and I wonder if it is carrying over into his adult life. As an example, I asked him about a year ago if he has struggles with porn and his answer, which oddly I can't recall, left me thinking he was hiding from us and probably does struggle, at least on some level.

A lot of words to say that our relationship is not really open and whether it is honest is up in the air. I would say his relationship with his mother is better but still not very deep due to the hiding.



That said we will be at the least praying and if anyone thinks of it would appreciate any prayers you would offer.
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those with early 20's sons Empty Re: those with early 20's sons

Post by Xid on Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:01 am

Your 20-something-year-old son is now an adult and "capable" of making his own decisions.  You can voice your concern and then leave it at that.  If you've done your best in raising him, and he knows the truth, he should come back to it.

At this stage of the game, you're done raising and can only advise.  Of course prayer is a given.
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Post by deathisgain on Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:33 pm

I second Kerrick's statement about an open relationship. I will admit there are times  I just want to explode on my kids and tell them how stupid they are. My ife has taught me restraint in that, and it has helped. It is a very beautiful thing when your kid can tell you that they screwed up, or come to you for advice. Even tho they won't listen some times and argue with you. Wink

I have very strong opinions, but I try to foster an openness with my kids to ask questions and to think subjectively. And of course look to what God says. Recently one of the churches that my daughter tried out, had a female pastor. She called us up and asked us what they Bible says about that. A couple of years ago, she wouldn't have and felt that it was okay.
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those with early 20's sons Empty Re: those with early 20's sons

Post by crucifyd on Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:36 pm

Xid, I was unclear in the OP, I'm not wondering if I should tell him yes or no. He is a man now and I want him to BE a man. I was more looking for opinions on whether this is a good, bad or indifferent type of situation and how others might approach this as a parent of an adult. As may be obvious, I personally lean towards bad, or at least not the best or wisest.

Xid wrote:Your 20-something-year-old son is now an adult and "capable" of making his own decisions.  You can voice your concern and then leave it at that.  If you've done your best in raising him, and he knows the truth, he should come back to it.

At this stage of the game, you're done raising and can only advise.  Of course prayer is a given.
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Post by Xid on Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:57 pm

My point is you don't need to say anything unless he's asking for your advice or thoughts.  If my son came to me and told me that he was moving in with a co-worker I'd ask what the new address is going to be and when will he be moving.  If he asked me what I thought about it, then I would ask more questions and go from there.
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Post by Driven on Tue Jun 04, 2019 1:11 pm

I'm an early 20's son myself, and I think by and large the other replies make sense. Currently, I'm renting a room on a semester-by-semester basis in a house where none of my roommates are Christian. (I'm in Quebec, and while there is a Christian community, it's hard to find other Christian students whose school schedule fits mine, and anyway my living situation is pretty good overall). I wouldn't say it's particularly beneficial to my faith to be living with unbelievers, but we don't interact much anyway - they're more acquaintances than friends. They aren't here often, and when we talk it's mostly just about school or whatever. However, living with just one roommate vs in a house is a different experience, as there's much more contact. I lived with a Christian friend for a year, and for different reasons it strained our relationship a bit (different definitions of clean, different expectations of space use and cooking, etc). Our conversations were a bit deeper, though. I don't know what relationship your son has with his coworker, but they'll likely shape each other if they're friends sharing a space.

As for your relationship with your son, I can honestly say it's hard for me to open up to my parents, for different reasons. With my mom, I fear her judgment of whatever I tell her; with my dad, it tends to just be kind of awkward. I have other mentors in my life with whom it's easier for me to bounce ideas and decisions around. Does your son have other friends from church or wherever that he's open with? He may have talked it over with them.

Anyway, I have years and years of experience to acquire, as a human and possibly someday a father, but this is where I am now. I wouldn't consider it the end of the world if they shared a space, but if you do talk it over with your son, fair warning of what it can be like is probably in order. As others have said, sometimes it takes hard knocks to wake up.
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Post by crucifyd on Fri Jun 07, 2019 8:59 pm

Thanks for your perspective from someone of my son's age.

As it turned out the co-worker situation didn't work out. He moved back with us beginning of April and within about 4 weeks went out and bought a house with a buddy from church. They have decided they want to buy a bunch of houses and rent them out.

None of which I saw coming but God is sovereign and it will be interesting to see what they (the Lord and my son) do with it.
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Post by Driven on Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:30 am

That's an awesome twist! Smile
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